With the silly season fast approaching, it’s almost a given that celebratory drinks will start flowing in the very near future. It’s often a very happy time of year, and we all want to ensure that we can enjoy the season without any drunken arguments getting in the way of a good time

We’ve all been there before; one too many glasses of wine, or a decent stretch at happy hour at the local watering hole, and before long we’ve run our mouths when in conversation with a loved one. Sometimes it can be relatively harmless, but sometimes it can hint at things going on deeper.

While finding their laundry on the floor would usually only mildly irk you, after a few drinks it can be the catalyst to uncovering what you ‘realize’ are Fundamental Character Flaws* and clearlynon-negotiable in your relationship. It starts with the laundry debacle, then you move onto that cute waitress from ‘that one time’, who you swearsmiled at your partner for justa second too long. And he smiled back, you know it. Then all of a sudden, you’re in the thick of it; talking about your exes, his exes, that annoying habit that they have, and how they’re just so ungratefulto have you in their life. You call them all kinds of horrible names, and flounce off, feeling righteous and satisfied, having spoken your mind.

Then. The next morning. Compounding the hangover-thump in your head, a trickle of memories creep back in. You said what? You shouted at your best friend? Boyfriend? Girlfriend? Parent? Oh god. You want the ground to swallow you up for acting like such a tit.

Does alcohol make us more emotional than usual?

The researchers behind alcohol.org have done some studies on the topic, and report that while 95% (or more) of both men and women surveyed reported that alcohol makes them happy, many people also experience negative emotions as well. “Nearly half of men and more than a third of women said they felt disgusted while drinking, and more than 1 in 5 said drinking made them feel anxious. More than 1 in 10 men revealed drinking made them feel scared.”

Trends reported that certain types of alcohol tended to have particular effects on each gender. For example; many men reported that wine, cocktails and India pale ales were the most likely to induce feelings of happiness, while vodka, gin and whiskey instilled feelings of sadness. For women; cocktails, wine and vodka inspired the most smiles, while wine, whiskey and tequila were dubbed the most depressing.

Does this mean if you want to avoid drunken arguments you should only drink “happy” types of alcohol?

Not necessarily. While these are the particular results from one study, the effects from person to person may vary, with emotional states and reactions also influenced by “Alcohol Myopia”.

Alcohol Myopia Theory is essentially the theory that alcohol intoxication causes a person’s attention to be narrowed. In his Psychology Today article, Dominic Parrott (Ph.D) describes the attention-level as akin to a spotlight; “Sober people have a very wide spotlight, and thus can perceive a lot of information in their environment – both information that is significant and noticeable as well as information that is much less obvious and easily overlooked. But because drunk people’s “attentional spotlight” is narrowed, they tend to only perceive and consider information that easily captures their attention.” This may explain why alcohol may have such drastically different effects on people, and why the same person’s experience of drinking can differ from one day to the next; their emotional response and attention is highly influenced by their immediate surroundings, and what they deem to be the most important in that moment.

For example; if you arrive home tired and a bit flustered after a long and frustrating day, a sober partner may instinctively know that your frustration is not directed at them, but at another external influence. They might respond appropriately; asking if you are okay, or if they can help; all the while understanding the unspoken context that your emotional state upon arrival was not related to them.

Contrastingly, arriving home in the same state to an intoxicated partner might result in argument; your drunk partner sees your frustration or emotional imbalance, presumes that it is in relation to them, and responds either aggressively, or in a self-deprecating way, presuming they are the sole cause of your unhappiness. This reaction can spiral into emotional distress on their part (and compound your own frustrations to now include emotional sensitivity towards your spouse), or into an aggressive response as they are indignant as to why you should arrive already cross with them.

Based on the Alcohol Myopia Theory, alcohol induces aggression because in a conflict situation, an intoxicated person may only pick up on aggression-inducing cues. This explains why a mild disagreement or perceived slight can turn into a full blow-out. Your partner may not show enough affection to satisfy your needs, and while intoxicated you call them out on this; upset, hurt and embarrassed by their slight; not realising that perhaps your reaction is exaggerated for the circumstances, or that perhaps your partner is distracted by other matters not related to you, such as an existing conversation they were already engaged in, or even driving, depending on where the argument is taking place.

What to do if you’ve let your drinks do the talking

Waking up and realizing that you’ve hurt someone lose to you is always rubbish. It’s always awkward and inspires extreme guilt and makes you feel like the biggest asshole on the planet. Sometimes people don’t always remember what they’ve said or done while intoxicated, but facing up to it and deciding how to proceed (like an adult) is the only way to go ahead and to start to make up for the damage and hurt feelings caused.

Acknowledge what has happened. Be upfront if you don’t remember everything.

If you wake up with that feeling in your gut that you probablysaid something not very kind, own it. Don’t presume that your words were forgotten, or that the other party has as foggy a memory as you. Chances are they also remember, and depending on the extent of what was said, you almost certainly have something to apologize for. Apologies are meaningless if you don’t know what you’re saying sorry for, and so knowing what you said, and referencing those things specifically can go a long way to starting the repair of the relationship.

Explain why you said such hurtful things.

Personally, I believe that most people offload when they’re drunk. I don’t necessarily ascribe to the concept of “In Vino Veritas” (“In wine, truth” – those lovely Romans had a nifty catchphrase for everything), which essentially states that people speak the truth when they’re intoxicated. Absolute crap. I know numerous people that have said all manner of rubbish when drunk, and chances are the same applies in your situation.

Nevertheless, there is likely an underlying reason for the things we say after a few drinks. If you’re crapping your partner out for supposedlyflirting with a waitress/friend/stranger (and they’re not), it might come back to a personal insecurity of your own. Is your partner really deserving of that berating, or does it come from your own worries of being left for someone else?

If you’re stuck blasting your S.O. about how they freaking never put their dirty clothes in the hamper – do you really care about the laundry? Or are you just expressing a quashed feeling of not being respected? Perhaps you feel your non-financial contributions to the household are being overlooked. Stranger things have happened.

Getting to the bottom of what you said, and why you said it, is a key factor in turning the behavior around and addressing the real reason for your outburst. It may take a little soul-searching, and probably some really frank honesty with yourself, but it’s worth it.

Understand the triggers, and how to avoid them.

Maybe you only get ugly after tequila. Or shots in general. Or maybe you’re a huge ass after any kind of alcohol consumption. Eventually, you may have to make the call on whether it’s worth it to continue drinking those things and run the risk of repeat-arguments. If you’re drinking alcohol, it means you’re an adult (hopefully), and you need to take responsibility for knowing your limits, and facing the consequences that come if you exceed them.

If your mates call you a weakling for passing on the jager-bombs, or capping yourself to strict limit when you’re out for an evening, who needs friends like that? Maybe you’re at a hen’s night and being pushed to pound the champagne. Know yourself, know your boundaries. Don’t come crying ‘Peer Pressure’ when you realize that you’ve cussed someone out in your drunken state, because that’s when a little thing called Free Will comes into play.

Don’t expect immediate forgiveness from the other party

If you’ve said or done some not-nice things while under the influence, and even if you’ve apologized, don’t be surprised if you get a frosty reception for a while after the encounter. Most people are willing to overlook lapses in drunken-judgement the first few times, but if they happen on the regular, your friends and family may become less forgiving. Even if they do absolve you of any wrong-doing, feelings sometimes take a while to recover, and emotional bruises take a while to heal. The best thing you can do in this situation is to own the responsibility for what you’ve said, apologize sincerely and comprehensively, and do your best to show the other person that you have learned from the mistake.

Alcohol and emotions rarely go well hand-in-hand and it can be a tricky negotiation between enjoying a casual drink with friends and knowing when enough is enough once a party is underway. Having a negative emotional reaction to alcohol does not make you an alcoholic, however it could be worth considering if drying out for a time is worth your while. If the thought of going alcohol-free for a month gives you the heebie-jeebies; maybe it’s exactly what you shoulddo.

Are you concerned about your drinking, or someone close to you? Check out these websites: Al-anon.org, alcohol.org

*sarcasm

Ultimately, the more often you drink, the more vulnerable your brain becomes to the effects of alcohol, potentially making your moods more volatile over time. Click To Tweet